Wish in One Hand, Pitt in the Other

How Far Does, "I Love You", Go in the Future?

2011-10-21T15:43:00.002-04:00

When you wake up one morning to see your relationship status has gone from "in a relationship" to "single" after the rest of the world already has, there's something wrong with communication. For some, the future and the technology associated with it has become a means of venting and questioning life; as opposed to speaking to one's lover or reaching out to friends or family for advice. Mediums like Facebook and Twitter have become a veritable crap shoots for some. Rather than approaching the situation head on maturely or seeking counsel from a professional, personal information which should be left to only those involved is put out to the world, hoping to build a case in one's favor or hoping Dr. Joyce Brothers is somehow following your tweets, biting at the opportunity to chime in.
   How does one know when to reach for help? More importantly, how does one open the eyes of the one who desperately needs it? As the cliche goes, "communication is key." There are things that, once said, can not be taken back. Especially if the things said have been turned from private problems to public propaganda. When life goes from personal to the internet's version of the Jersey Shore (with less VD, worse abs and roughly the same amount of subterfuge) one is building and destroying sides, friendships and alliances. This could stem from someone's lack of knowing how to communicate properly, extreme stress, medication or a chemical imbalance. Or it could be more on top of all that. When someone goes from crying in your arms one night, to telling you to STFU and driving off in a huff rather than communicate the next night, it's time for help of some kind.
   If help can be established from friends or family, so much the better. When your suggestions of seeking counsel are shrugged off, trying to incorporate the assistance of those closest around the one that needs help is a definite plus. Intervene. If they can be proven to that there are boundaries that have been crossed and it may be caused by chemical imbalance or another X factor and seeking help is the only way to improve this situation, half of the battle for the mind, body and spirit of the one you care for is accomplished. Sadly, many times those people would like to remain removed from the situation to maintain the status quo. That status quo will never remain the same once one publicizes personal information like it's the latest scoop from TMZ. Even if an arrangement for treatment has been established and the primary relationship is on its way to being mended, the hearts of those that broke for the one effected by the other may be hard to sway back.
    "Think Before You Speak", has been a credo for hundreds of years, to choose your words in your mind before using your voice. Unfortunately, "Think Before You Type", has not been much enforced or encouraged. Many use the internet to vent and complain or seek opinions from someone they don't know or know if they can trust, simply because it separates them from having to make contact with another human being, especially one they know personally. Most of these people are known as insecure teenagers, but many times it's adults who don't act like adults. It's difficult to reach out to friends or family at that age because you are afraid of their response or the way they will think of you afterwards. Or it is simply just too difficult to vocalize the way that you feel, and putting it out there for the world to see in a digital diary seems to be a cry for help from whoever may find your situation interesting. Some people start to feel entitled to certain things just because they were in a relationship for a period of time and can demand their way because of it. Or project their inadequacies on the other to get their way. That's not the way the law works. Calling the shots and playing the other person off of mutual friends who says one thing and do another. Some are legitimately trying to help and others are merely baiting to get information for the other. I wouldn't be surprised if most major networks start producing shows based off of the lives of those type of people, trolled from the web.
   Using your words to say one thing and your fingers to say another is the way of it these days my friends. Sometimes it is worth trying to figure out what's going on in someone's mind, but more importantly, how they came to that conclusion. You may have to worry that the spoken, "I Love You", is a cry for help that becomes a typed, "I'm losing it, why doesn't my loved one know exactly how I feel and help me fix it, even if I say I can take care of it myself. Another test failed." On the other hand it could merely be a stalling tactic until they can figure a way out. Finding a new place to live, to save up enough money to run, so on and so forth. Signs to watch out for. This may put the other person in a position of, "is it worth it?" Even with years invested, friendships co-mingled, home and holidays shared, how will those things be affected after a major abuse of trust? Questions worth asking my little ones. I'd like to believe love is worth is, but it needs to be tended like two gardeners maintaining the same field. Not one gardener working diligently, spending their time and money on the shared field and the another eying a path to a greener field when the plowing becomes to difficult or not as interesting. BULLYING should never be tolerated. Remember that.

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this, you strangers and web browsers. I desire the opinions of those I may have never met or those who I see on a daily basis but retain their anonymity with an online alias.

   I end with a quote that is not mine, but one I have loved and tried to live by for many a year...
          "Be Just and Fear Not"

At the Late Night, Double Feature, Picture Show

2010-03-20T12:18:00.029-04:00

Sorry for the slight ruse Rocky Horror Fans, (of which I am one), but this post will not be about a young Susan Sarandon getting it six ways from Sunday by everyone except the dude in the wheel chair. That post may be coming soon though.
No, this post is about that great American institution known far and wide as the Drive-In. That bastion of celluloid that harkens back to days gone by when teens would pile into a car and have an orgy while a B horror film played, then go to a malt shoppe, (and all for under a nickel)! Drive-In's took a big hit in the 80's and 90's with the advent of VCR's and DVD players, but they are making a come back, partly because of the kitsch factor and cheap prices and partly because if you wanna see someone going at it, by themselves or with a partner live, chat roulette is a pale comparison to the Americana that is the drive-in theater.

My Drive-In of choice is Dependable Drive-In, about half an hour away from downtown Pittsburgh. There are 3 or 4 drive-in's around my area, but I love this one because of it's ample screens (4), the double features and the nostalgia. Also, the fact that it's open this time of year. Dependable Drive-In is actually open year round which is awesome for those people in winter with four wheel drive that don't have those fancy talkin' picture boxes in their homes. Much like a hip L.A. bar, you pretty much have to know someone who has been there to find the place. Even GPS will send you to a random mailbox in the middle of the street so no luck there. Dependable has been open for sixty years and has shown all the greats, from Vertigo and Jaws. In the 80's it also became a XXX Drive-In at midnight and showed classic like Deep Throat and Debbie Does Dallas. I miss the good old days.

Now for those of you who have never been to a Drive-In, there is a certain nuance and protocol that must be followed. Once you find your parking spot at your specific screen, you must make sure you turn off your headlights, turn off your engine and give your kids a healthy dose of Nyquil because I don't wanna hear them. At all. Once everything is in order, you have your car situated and the kids are breathing rather shallow, it's off to the snack bar!

The American Drive-In snack bar is none the likes of which you have ever seen. Now, at your movie theater snack bar you can get your popcorn and your candy, a pop and maybe if they are fancy a hot dog or nachos. At the Drive-In snack bar that is just the tip if the iceberg, There you can get everything above and more, including but not limited to, ice cream treats, french fries, whole pizzas, hoagies, funnel cake, glow in the dark necklaces for the drive-in/rave crowd, corndogs, onion rings and more! You can also more than likely get an STD from the restroom. Now, you may be thinking, "I need to run back to my car, get settled in for the movie, make sure the kids aren't dead", but no dear reader, the real show starts at the snack bar. There you will see the most insane mix of true Americans money can buy. Imagine if you will being able to view thugged out white kids, the bulk of a Jenny Craig meeting (excuse the pun) and the most inbred families this side of Juniper Creek all in one room. You're welcome. Just to give you a mental image, I shall describe what was unleashed on the populous as I waited for my snacks.
Picture if you will a normal American family. Not the American family you see on TV my friends. The family that the rest of the people on your block are afraid to let their children visit. This is a group of people that the Mason's would be hesitant to hang with, that never uttered the words, "Diet" anything in all their miserable years. Children the size of small bears barking orders at the concession counter worker who has yet to give them their funnel cake and drinks, (in all fairness it had been more that 30 seconds), whilst Grandpa berates the poor slob slopping cheese into a cup for him, "NO NO NO, pour the cheese into the middle of the fries and then another scoop too. My wife's addicted to cheese". Yes, your wife who wouldn't weigh 90 lbs. soaking wet. As the cast of Biggest Loser ambled off with oxygen tanks in tow, all I could do is look on and think to myself, "Ain't that America". Now on with the show!

The first feature last night was "She's Out Of My League", a romantic comedy about an awkward, thin man with a crap job, whose family would rather hang out with his ex-girlfriend and current beau. I thought Jay Baruchel did a good job doing what he does best, being awkward and thin. Alice Eve as the "perfect girl" was rather meh. It's hard to cast that kind of "world's most amazing" anything though, hell even Bo Derek in "10" wasn't a 10. Never in the history of man has anyone with cornrows been deemed a 10. An 8 maybe, but only if there was enough weed hidden in that hair to smoke up a drum circle. My definition of a 10 would be a woman with the comedic timing of Tina Fey and the sexual prowess of Sasha Grey, but isn't every boy attracted to someone who reminds them of their mother? Gross! The real star of the movie was the city of Pittsburgh. Director Jay Field Smith shot the city so beautifully that I wanted to live there and I already do. He made it seem as magical as all Yinzers see it in their hearts. My problem with this flick is that it's being touted as "the funniest movie since The Hangover", which in itself could have been better. Do NOT go in expecting to see this movies equivalent of Zach Galifinakis getting blown by an 80 year old whore. Better to take an an 80 year old whore and get blown.

The next feature was, "Shutter Island" which was about an hour too long. "Shutta the Fuck Up Island" would have been a more apt title or "If You've Seen Anything in the Past 40 Years You'll Know the Ending within 20 Minutes: The Movie". Much like Tim Burton puts his wife and boyfriend in every movie he makes, Martin Scorcese has his new golden boy Leo playing the hard nosed Bawstin Federil Mawshull. This movie was all about a woman who may or may not have existed gone missing and The King of the World trying to find out what's happened. Mark Ruffalo did a great job playing Gilbert's Brother's partner and Ben Kingsley is bald. You can tell how well the second movie is going at a Drive-in one of two ways. Either the people drive off or the cars around you have fogged up windows and are rhythmically rocking back and forth. Such was the case for "Shutter Island".

As for me, I will be venturing back to the Drive-In periodically throughout the season, hoping to catch the next big thing in cinema and avoid catching a staph infection. Enjoy the Show!

Nope, no Grandparents, Go Fish

2010-03-16T20:21:00.006-04:00

Well, my pap died. I know death isn't a funny thing, I'm just trying to make light of the situation so I don't freak out, hence the title. My pap is the last in my official grandparents roster and I have to go to the funeral in the next few days. On top of that, I lost my gram (other side of family), on Christmas. Not exactly the gift I was expecting to unwrap, but in a way a gift none the less. Both of them weren't doing well and were in a lot of pain, apparently I was the last one to have an actual conversation with her and we got to say good-bye a few days later. It was Christmas eve and much of the family went up to visit. At that point she wasn't speaking and was primarily resting between fits of breathing. We went home and 2 hours later got a call that she had passed.

Now it's March and we find out that my pap just passed away. I got to go up and visit about a month ago with my brother, sister and cousin. This one seems to be hitting me harder. Maybe because he was the last grandparent I had, maybe because when we saw him he seemed about as fine as someone whose on oxygen could be. Sure he wasn't doing squat thrusts and dancing a polka, but he was lively as all hell. Cracking jokes and forcing us to eat more, saying things with that certain twinkle in his eye and innuendo that only old men can get away with. He seemed better than he had in months. We said good-bye and that we'd be up to visit again soon. It's a visit I won't get to make.

Now to turn it around. I don't want this to bring people down by reading it or make it into a, "cherish your loved ones while they're around", crusade. We all know what we know, about how we are told to feel and how we really do and what happens in between. The reason I'm putting this out there is because I need to get it off my chest. As I type this though I see that I haven't updated my blog since November. To quote the thespian Keanu Reeves, "Whoa". There are a million little things that I could write about on a daily basis and it brings the death of not one, but two grandparents to get me to do something about it. I can't believe how many times I think, "I should write about this" and do nothing about it because, oh, the same episode of Family Guy that I've seen 40 times is on. That tells me I'm in trouble. That tells me that I'm more interested in the shit somebody else is getting paid for than getting paid myself. I'm not just speaking of getting paid monetarily, but emotionally, (and sexually if we can work that in somehow). Jesus knows I don't care about what anyone has to say more than what I have to say myself. If a bloggers computer battery dies in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Does that metaphor make any fucking sense? Are they really remaking The Karate Kid? These questions and more will be pondered and answered in a semi conscious, sometimes drunken fashion much faster and more often in the near future. I have to take a few days off to go up North to deal with last good-byes, but you can expect a new post soon. Am I back with a vengeance? Only against myself. But sometimes that's enough.

Damn You Pixar, Damn You!

2009-11-11T00:57:00.010-05:00

Well I just got finished watching Disney Pixar's "Up". First and foremost I would like to say, John Lasseter and crew, you sneaky sons a bitches, you did it again. As the menu screen slowly burns into my TV, I sit here wiping my eyes, (equally from tears of laughter and from other squishy emotions), and ponder what makes a Pixar film so great. I don't want to say that their works are formulaic, but they do have a rhythm and rhyme that is distinctly Pixar.
Most are aware that there is no great story without great conflict. Hamlet, The Divine Comedy, Porky's Two: The Next Day, they all shared this ethos. Pixar has taken spinning tragedy into a wonderful plot to an art form though. Let's run down a quick list. Toy Story 1 & 2 (soon to be 3) all dealt with loss of some kind. Monster's Inc it was a loss of home for poor Boo. A Bug's life, well you have me there, maybe going through changes, metamorphosis and what not. I don't really remember that one well. Touching, but not to say so tragic that one feels the immediacy of the loss. Childhood playthings, the home and friends you grew up with, these are the things that we look back on with nostalgia and ennui. Moving on.
Finding Nemo. First five minutes of the movie a barracuda ate his freaking mother! Way to step it up Pixar! I will always have a fondness and dread of that movie, due partly to the excellent animation, partly to the story and characters but mostly to un-named amount of high quality LSD that was put in my mouth as a "welcome home" present many years ago. By the way and for the record, probably not the best way to work off jet lag. To give you, kind reader, an example of it's potency, we laughed, cried and shook in fear for what we thought was the entire movie. Turns out it was the DVD menu. We watched it for 40 minutes before we realized our folly. Once we hit play, boy did I think we were in for a treat. Ellen Degeneres' plucky Dori saying, "I need water, fill my trailer with water", looped on the menu screen made promises of mirth and merriment. Promises it did not keep. This was the scariest movie I had ever seen. Seriously, if you have a mental death wish try it for yourself. The only thing getting me through the entire family being wiped out, blood thirsty sharks and killer jellyfish was Crush. God bless that turtle and his So Cal laid back attitude.
The Incredibles was basically McCarthy era blacklisting and propaganda, Ratatouille was about pestilence, and WALL-E was about killing the environment. I believe Al Gore did an amazing job directing. Cars was just so Nascar people had a movie to take their kids to.
Which brings us to Up! I'll be honest and I bought this on a whim. I heard good things so I decided to drop $20 and see what all the fuss was about. Well! Curtain up! (Spoiler alert!) We start with a lovely opening montage for which Pixar is famous. The animation is crisp and beautiful and it captures my attention. The bouncy soundtrack takes me to by gone years of Talkie pictures and when people called having crabs, "A case of the Jitter Bugs". Then I start to feel where this montage is going and I immediately start to tell myself to man up. But no. It was comparable to when you have a clogged drain and you pray that the bowl doesn't overflow, but you know it's gonna happen anyway. Not to give it all away, but basically they encapsulate the phrase "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans". So I start wailing like a kid with a skinned knee. And they don't stop there, no we get hit with these emotional zingers about every 15 minutes. If you don't shed a tear or two, congratulations, you have no soul. The Dark Lord (not Voldemort [He dare speak the Dark Lord's name!]), will be up soon to hand over the keys. That being said, great film, rent it, buy it, whatever. I loved every minute of it and suggest you put the bottle of Jergins down and use those tissues for swabbing tears.
Until next time, like a male cheerleader after one too many wine coolers, I'm out.

Welcome back.

2009-11-05T23:05:00.008-05:00

Hi there. Just want to start off by saying it's been a while since I've posted anything. The two of you reading probably already know this. If you have never read my B.S. before, welcome and or condolences for thinking this was a scat porn site. It's been 2 months and a lot has happened.
There was the night my sister was supposed to get married and since the wedding was called off and people had non-refundable plane tickets we had a party. That party did wind down a bit around 11:30pm, luckily about 10 minutes later SWAT showed up, culminating in a 5 hour hostage situation next door and that house catching on fire. These things happen.
Or how about the night I had a Halloween party and random coworkers showed, totally blitzed, made out or bitched about other coworkers, then tried to invite my guests away with them. I have to apologize for the 18 year old kid being hit on by potential maternal surrogates, I'm sorry dude.
The following night I did end up going to a great Halloween party where I paid $20 to get in. I believe the cost was set by the amount of time you had to wait to move 13 feet. True.
Tomorrow is casual Friday at work. I think it's time we test the limits of this. Gentlemen, I put it to you to to let your sack hang out more and more throughout the day. Ladies, you need to lower your bra strap by a quarter inch every hour until it's totally hanging below your breasts. A little side boob never hurt anyone. Let's just see how casual shit can get.
I have more to say, but much like learning Chinese or anal sex, you need to ease your self into these things. Rushing in just leads to poorly ordered take out or fissures. Or both. Feel free to leave comments, turn your friends and neighbors onto the blog or inquire where to send donations.

Like a bag of Funyons in front of a stoner, I'm out.

I'll cry if I want to...

2009-08-29T01:01:00.002-04:00

It's 1am. I've officially been 29 for an hour. It doesn't feel much different from any other day, other than it being the designated date specifically assigned to take stock of one's life. How much responsibility does one place on themselves and leave the rest for the fates to decide? Are the places we are in our lives up to us or predestined? Do we gather points for the good things we do and get penalized for the bad? Is it all chance? Are these questions even relevant? Who's to say? We officially no one, so it might as well be me. I think we make choices along our path that lead us one way or the other, but when we come to an impasse most of the time we continue to keep on going, rather than turn around and get back on track. What to do, what to do. Am I depressed or just depressing? Are you, dear reader, getting ready to dial that last #1, as 9-1 was pressed about 3 sentences back? No worries, as I whole heartedly embrace the next step along my journey, I merely want you to stop and think to yourself, "Is this where I want to be"? It seems a simple question, but one not asked nearly enough. If the answer comes back no, don't fret. You can't cut across 3 lanes of traffic just to get where you need to be, but keep your eyes peeled for that moment you can slide over to where you need to go. Sometimes you have to wait your turn and sometimes you ease in by the skin of your teeth, but you'll get there. Don't forget to signal.

Just real quick...

2009-08-20T17:39:00.002-04:00

Hey, just so you cats know, if a word in a post is a different color, it's a hyperlink I created, not an ad. So check them out, I think you'll like them. Unless you have no soul, then you should contact Satan. He'll hook you up.

Yinz Jagoffs need tuh Give N'at!

2009-08-17T20:52:00.008-04:00

Well hello huddled masses yearning to eat bees. That was some weekend huh? 48 hours sammiched between 5 day chunks of mediocrity. It's important to remember when working for Big Brother to give to those less fortunate. Even when Big Brother is giving you an Atomic Wedgie, you should take a moment to reflect and help when you can, especially when it earns you those oh so needed community service hours mandated by the state. Luckily, I work for a major financial institution that not only gives me the chance to help out my community, it demands it! Now for the sake of those who aren't able to accompany me to work on a day basis, I took a few shots of our latest attempt at public relations.

Help this kid fill her backpack. Don't be a douche, just help the kid out. Dad's gone, Mom's working 3 jobs and Grandma ain't getting around to well after that 3rd hip replacement, so just help the fuckin' kid out alright!?

Fine, I will help her out, Jesus, what's she need?

Glad you asked...

Ok, let's take a look see shall we?
Art supplies. Ok cool.
Construction paper(also falls under art supplies).
Chubby? Crayons and pencils (still fuckin art supplies in my book, unless the playground is more like a prison yard, then that shank costs 2 packs of smokes).
Jump rope (to alleviate the weight gained by using chubby crayons),
Chubby Bats and balls?!(will be provided by the Union of Sex Workers Local I69).
Backpacks. Backpacks? Is she filling her backpack with another backpack? That greedy bitch is going shoplifting.
Gender Neutral Clothing. Because individuality leads to being a whore.
Let's skip down to the last 4. Hand held mirrors. Large plastic tweezers. Eye droppers. Small plastic spray bottles. Childrens, meet your new teacher.

Class Dismissed!

BTW if you enjoy this blog let me know. If you don't, eat a sack of baby dicks.

Ain't that America?

2009-08-12T23:00:00.002-04:00

Well today I was going to write about a poster at work but this takes precedent. Some low life, ass stain, douche nozzle stole fifty cd's, a Myrtle Beach souvenir and a bottle of water out of my car. I don't know when, I don't how, but they did. Lousy piece of shit. Let's break it down by item. CD's. 2 cd cases and a few new cd's less that a week old. The big ticket items in my book. Some of these cd's were rare singles or shit I made or more importantly, were made for me in college. Weak. The next was a Myrtle Beach "Hooters" girl souvenir I had in the car for a buddy. Delightfully Tacky, Yet Whoever Did it is a cum dumpster. Lastly a bottle of water. Not a huge loss mind you, but who the fuck steals a bottle of water? Are they thinking, "Shit, someone might catch me robbing this car and I'll have to run my ass off, better stay hydrated"?
Possible culprits.
1. A Drunken Hipster. After getting plowed on PBR (because it's fashionable, not because it's cheap which is why I drink it), stumbles upon my car, notices the door is unlocked (it's never unlocked btw) scopes some vintage Beck and says "fuck it".
2. Myself. In my heyday I was known to purloin a brick of cheese or 2 (sorry), but I don't think I would steal from myself. That hasn't stopped me from looking around the house.
3. A Gremlin. Some novice Mogwai owner accidentally feeds his pet after midnight, it becomes a gremlin and in the pursuit of mayhem steals my cd's and take the water to multiply.
I'm no detective, so that's the best I've got. Let me know if you stole my shit and if you give it back I will only kick you in the nuts.

Let's Get Motivated!

2009-08-11T17:08:00.005-04:00

Well it's about time we stopped being so lethargic and finally get motivated here in the Burgh. I mean come on people, not only do we have the G-20 summit coming in September, a new casino and 3 drive-ins within a half hour from downtown, but today to get people in the spirit of not dicking around, we had Get Motivated! For those not in the know, Get Motivated is a business seminar being held around the country to, well, get people motivated? Sure, that may be easier said than done, but at these prices how can you not get excited? For only $19 dollars, you can rub elbows with other unemployed people while already rich people make money by spouting bullshit. Fun! Exciting! Economy! What's that you say? Sorry dick, but I have a job? Well you're in luck! Your employer can send not just you, but all the other annoying wangs you harass the one attractive person in office with, the whole crew! For just $19 dollars! $19 fucking dollars! That's right, you, Loud Talker (he goes by L.T.), Blackberry guy, Hawaiian shirt guy, Crocs and Popped Collar (P.C.) can all attend this Gala event! Granted, I'm sure it seems like a bargain, especially when you are all taking sick days you get paid for anyway and you don't have to do shit, but wait there's more! Who can you touch finger tips with as they walk by much like on professional wrestling? Lemme tell you, they have spared no expense. Ex- New York city mayor Rudy Giuliani , ex Steeler Terry Bradshaw and Gen. Colin Powell! Plus many additional bags of douche you didn't even know you should be blowing for their knowledge and wisdom!
What I really got motivated for was the commute home and trying to avoid thousands of walking cock burns try to drive back to the burbs. It can be startling to see that many bleached assholes at one time, so I had to play it careful. Luckily I made it back safe, but today is the day the Portuguese invade... but I'll save that for next time.

Well it's About Damn Time

2009-08-10T23:24:00.004-04:00

Hey Yinz Guys! Yeah I actually started with that. It can only go down hill from here. I've decided to write down the odd little things I love/hate about my life. As you may have deduced from my genius blog name, I live in the city that never stops bitching, rocking, eating, smoking and doing construction on the God damned roads, Pittsburgh. Now each blog may not be specifically about the Steel City, but it's always going to be written by me and I'm from the land of fries on your sammich, so deal. Besides if you know me and my sense of humor you'll like it anyways. If you're new to my brain droppings then strap in or if you have one, strap on. By the way this will be in no way P.C., some days I want most people to swallow bleach. Other days I'm snuggling puppies and helping old ladies across the street. Of course, I may be leaning in close to get a feel of the ol' danglies slap against my knees, but nothing in this life is free. I hear in the next life though we do get a free Word a Day Calender and a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax. What you wax is up to you. I'm saving mine for your Dads' back. So just like when your mom walks in while you are waxing your nub and you have to stop, (or a least slow down), this ol' Blog is to be continued...